Don’t Shoot the Messenger

Welcome to the second installment of the Honey, That’s Just Not Love… series.

In this day and age, texting is a staple in the communication realm as more and more people communicate via text on a daily basis. I for one hate phone calls and if I call you or answer the phone when you call, I either really like you or I am probably being forced to use the phone. I have mixed feelings about texts as they are so easily misunderstood, yet are so insanely convenient. But that’s not exactly the topic of this post; for in this post, the idea of texting isn’t the issue, but the context of the text in itself. In this post, I am going to share with you  few of the thousands of texts scarred my heart during my abusive relationship.

**While reading these texts and my thoughts on them, please understand that it is difficult to understand a situation such as a toxic relationship until you are in the middle of one. People always ask, “Why do you stay? Why don’t you leave already?” and I will tell you why: it just isn’t that easy. When you love someone, you love them regardless of the ways they hurt you as love keeps no record of wrong. Truly loving someone means forgiving them, and if you are like me, you genuinely care for that person to an extent. Again, if you are like me, their happiness means more than your own, and you try everything to see the one you love happy, even when it slowly kills you. It is hard to explain, and I welcome your questions. **

The following texts were all received from my boyfriend of over a year, my best friend for nearly three years, and my fiance for one month: Patrick. They are real, and come directly from my inbox, as I have a habit of saving texts that are significant in either hurt or happiness.

“No matter what you think, Ember Crane, I want you to know that it is totally true that you are an amazing young woman and that you are passionate and talented, and that you are very intelligent. If you believe those things I wrote about you which are not true, then I can accept that, but I want you to know that you are loved and cherished and you deserve so much. You are a child of God and no one can take that away from you! I love you for who you are and no matter what the enemy throws at us, I will not deny that I want you.” 

This text was received after finding a prayer journal I bought Patrick for his graduation. He guarded it faithfully, and it was filled with everything he didn’t like about me. Everything from how my pain never mattered to him because I don’t see things the way he does, to how I could be so great but I have no drive to do anything in life, to the only reason I want to marry him is so I can live off of him and have someone to take care of me while I waste my life and potential because I didn’t go to college. He spelled out clearly in that journal exactly what he despised in me, filled it with everything my demons and depression already tell me I am on a daily basis, and yet he denied everything he wrote about me. He was going to wait until after the wedding to let me read the horrible lies he wrote about me. About two months after he wrote that journal, he texted me the following. Not to mention the daily assurance of how much he loved me and how special I was.

You stole my heart with how special you are, for you are more kind and caring to me than anyone I have ever known on this earth. You are the best looking creature I know. I love you and I will always strive to take care of and be with you! I love you because you love me in a way that no other person on this earth could ever love me! I am sorry for my mistreatment of you because I shouldn’t be selfish with my maiden. I love you madly, and I don’t realize it until I am not by your side! I am crazy for you and who you are to me! I am in love with you in a way I can never comprehend and I than God for you and what He has given us. I hope you know that I love you and I will encourage you in any way that I can. You are special and I want you to know that. If you aren’t good enough for me than no one is! I don’t want anyone else and if I lose you than I won’t be able to have anyone for a long, long time. “

He was good at convincing me of his love. He was so good at manipulating me with his words to make me the bad guy. Here is a text he sent me after he was upset with me because I have social anxiety. In this case, I stood quietly by his side as he talked with a friend whom I didn’t know. I smiled and listened, and being an introvert I thought that was enough. I was wrong. I tried to tell him I was trying to be outgoing, and that my anxiety is easier to manage when he is with me, because he helps me fight it and be more relaxed and comfortable because I knew he loved me. This was his response:

“Your anxiety will never get better even with marriage because marriage will not make you comfortable. Just because we get married it doesn’t mean your anxiety will go away when we go to someone’s house that you don’t know, You can’t say being with me makes you comfortable because I am comfortable just as much as you can’t use my faith to save yourself. You need to find your own comfort for your anxiety because I don’t like being used that way…You can’t just belong somewhere just because I belong there, whether we are married or not.”

I never meant to use you, I just find comfort in knowing I am accepted and loved by you (so I thought), I thought you would appreciate knowing that; I know I would have. But I guess it is because you never really wanted to love me? Or did you?

“I have been desperate to feel loved by you and to feel that you want to know me and vice versa. But this doesn’t seem right…”

“I am frustrated with my feelings and thoughts right now. I miss you and I love you but I am afraid to tell you because I don’t know if I should…”

“I wish I didn’t feel this way about you but it is hard not to. I want to escape but I can’t. I want to be with you but it seems wrong often. I don’t want to change my feelings about you but I fear I must in order to live my life. I think too much…”

“I don’t know how you could care about me because I am pretty hopeless…. I need more isolation I guess…”

“I am sorry you had to fall in love with someone like me. I am obviously too young to even know what love means because I can’t show you love. I just need to accept that and move on.”

“You wonder why I say I should leave and it is because I ruin everything and I don’t deserve another chance. You will discover one day that I am hopeless. I didn’t want it to come to this but I will have to say goodbye if I can’t change. I am sorry for the way I continually hurt you and I hope you can forgive me. If you still care, I am not okay and I won’t be for a while…”

This was after the first time he promised to marry me. I bought a wedding dress because he promised he would never call it off. He promised he wasn’t cancelling the wedding because he would never do something like that to me. Two days after I purchased the perfect dress, the dress that he described over the phone (he always controlled what I could and couldn’t wear), he called off the wedding. He wouldn’t answer my calls and rarely texted back. he refused to see me. He broke his promise, as he was supposed to color Easter eggs with me just for fun to remind us of our childhood. He broke a lot of promises.

Are you that upset with me? One minute you are okay and the next you are not, and I don’t know how to take that. You say you love me but this isn’t love. You say you want to talk but when I talk to you, you get too sad to even say anything back. You say you want to know things, but when I tell you it hurts you. I said I am sorry. When you are ready to talk I will talk tot you, but who knows when that will be or what the outcome will be. I care about you but it almost seems like you don’t want that simply because it just might hurt you worse. Have a good day.”

When I would try to get help and he found out, he would become outraged.

“Did you tell those people everything? Because if you did then the will probably definitely tell you to leave me. I told you that if you want to talk, all you have to do is ask. I know I don’t deserve to have another second chance, but it is hard because the people on my side see things differently and think I should just give you space and we should just keep on. I don’t know who you have been talking to, but no one has told me I should leave you.”

“I will truly never be able to feel accepted anymore by you, so I am going back to pleasing other people. I don’t know how you would want me because I fee like no one really wants me. I have made myself to feel wanted or needed but that isn’t right. At heart I am probably one of the worst people you could meet. I am a loser when it comes to this relationship because a real man would know how to handle you. I am sorry you had to fall in love with a loser. I am sorry for betraying you and lying to you and everything! I don’t know how you can even stand the sight of me! Maybe I shouldn’t even be alive anymore because all I do is this.”

“I know you do a lot for me, but since I called things off you have been distancing yourself from me and it’s really wearing me down. This is why I have been having a lot of depressing and suicidal thoughts. Do you ever think of my heart and how it is hurting? I don’t want to break your heart anymore, but in your resentment and caution you are making me feel as if we can’t even be friends anymore.Why does it have to be this way just because I made the mistake of taking this too far into the idea of marriage and hurting us both? I have ruined this relationship because of the way I am. I am afraid of getting too close to you and then losing you. I am afraid that falling too far in love with you would cause me to be unwise. I wish I hadn’t been so stupid and done all of this. I want to be with you but I can’t do anything to make that happen. I want to be with you but I just can’t. I am sorry I pulled you into this. I want to be able to love you forever but I don’t know if I am able to because of the way I am. I love you but I don’t understand how you can love me. I want you, but it just isn’t right. But if you don’t come with me, I will fall into a major depression and I will lose it all.”

He was always back and forth, and his manipulation made me feel as if I had no escape. No matter what I did or didn’t do, he was always blaming me, becoming upset, ignoring me, and then begging for another chance. I tried to leave him dozens of times, and every time he talked me back into it claiming he was sorry. he would promise he will change He said he was getting counselling, but he wasn’t. He threatened to kill himself if I left, and when I stayed he practically begged me to leave.

“If you leave me it will be the most devastating thing and will probably hurt worse than losing my dad and brother combined because of how much I have come to love you and care about you. But if you can’t see that then I am an utter failure and I am sorry for failing you. Sorry I have flaws and I can’t be perfect. All I wanted was to be enough for you, but I have obviously fallen short of being the best friend and man that you say I am.”

If you hated me so much, why would you beg me to stay? If you loved me so much, why would you beg me to leave? Honey, that’s just not love…

 

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